yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
