I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you didnt know i had herpes?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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