I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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