It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
FUCK WHALES
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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