I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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