My room smells like vodka and shame
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
