I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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