wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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