Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
