I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
