I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
