I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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