Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dignity is for republicans.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
