I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She said her name was "party"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
