so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
