How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize