Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
