does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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