I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Randomize