My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
