yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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