All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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