your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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