I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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