guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
