just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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