Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
