So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
