I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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