You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't turn off my feet"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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