my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
