Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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