This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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