Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
