I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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