just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
