i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize