Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
