in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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