Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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