i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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