If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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