I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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