Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Everything about him screamed your future.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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