Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
