You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize