You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so let's talk penis.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
