I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
