She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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