Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
