mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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