1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize