apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
