I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
