did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
where are my eyebrows?
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