So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
