I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize