Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
