You made me cry and you don't even care
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
