I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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