see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
