sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
