I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
