my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
