Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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