he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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