just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
